dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
