I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
