Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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