I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Randomize
