My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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