I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
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