to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Also, beer. Big fan.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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