I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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