I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
