i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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