Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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