If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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