there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
