I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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