dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
