Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
