omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
