I wish I could teleport
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
