My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
