Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
