You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Pants are for mortals
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
