My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
