I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Randomize
