so that wasnt chicken after all
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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