I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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