tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
