How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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