P.S. I can't hear my feet
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
