Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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