I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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