does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Drake has all the answers
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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