Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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