Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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