I wish my penis had an off switch
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
