How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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