sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
