I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
