I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
