I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
