I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
