our cab driver is having phone sex.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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