I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Randomize
