things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
