I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
