you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
