My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
