why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Randomize
