We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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