I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
