I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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