He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
