sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Randomize
