she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
