i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
