Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
